Enough

I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. My kids sleep through the night, so it's not that. It's just life. It's all of the things I am doing, things I should be doing, and things I wish I could do. It's all piling up. My yoga teacher said someone once told her stress is the difference between how things are and how you want them to be. That pretty much sums it up I'd say.

The reality is there are 24 hours in a day. 8 of those are spent sleeping (or trying to), 9 spent working, so that leaves a measly 7 hours for all the other things in your life. Wait no, not really 7. At least an hour just getting ready, another cooking or some sort of food prep. Most days there's 1/2 to a full hour exercising (even if that's just walking the dog or chasing the kids). An hour of cleanup and playing with the kids. An hour of bedtime routine. What's left, 2? If you're lucky. Half an hour to get ready for bed, and at least some time to spend with your significant other, or even if you're single, some sort of adult conversion outside of work. So maybe you get like 20 minutes a day to yourself? 20 minutes for all the other things I want to do in life.

What else could I want? I like to write. I like to sing and write music with Brian. I like to curl up with a good book or watch a good movie. I like to garden. I like to look up new recipes. I like researching things I'm interested in. I like sorting through all the crap in my house and giving away as much as possible (a never-ending project). I like to do crafts and make things for family and friends. Oh right and some day I want to volunteer and travel and go on more hikes and and and...

And I'm supposed to be a good wife and mother, daughter, sister, friend, niece, cousin, employee, co-worker... I'm supposed to concentrate on my career while being an amazing mother. I'm supposed to make all their food homemade from organic ingredients which requires me to spend a fortune on food and an enormous amount of time baking and cooking. I'm supposed to worry about how my body looks during all of this? Fuck that.

Enough goddammit, enough. I can't do it all. I shouldn't feel like this, like I'm supposed to do it all. Who's making me feel this way? Society? Who is that exactly? The media, friends, family, the government, the mob, who??? Oh right, there isn't one person to blame. I can't control anything except myself. That's taken years of therapy for me to truly believe.

But I really can't. I can't make the world change. I can't even get Sebastian to stop wiping his nose on his shirt. So why do I stress about all these things that I literally can't do, change, or control in any way? Enough, it's time to stop this stress. I don't want to want life to be different than it is. I want to enjoy it for what it is and who I am right now. Not who I'll be after I learn to be an amazing wife, mom, career woman, blah blah blah. I can just be me and enjoy who that is.

I'm actually pretty awesome. And I am enough.