This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness (#NEDAwareness) Week. So in honor of that, I wanted to write a little bit about what re...

My Revelations from Life in Recovery



This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness (#NEDAwareness) Week. So in honor of that, I wanted to write a little bit about what recovery has been like for me, and what I have learned.

I have been recovered for many years. So these days recovery looks pretty damn good. My life is what I want it to be, what I have made it. Not every day is a breeze, life is still full of ups and downs. But at least I am experiencing true happiness. And I won't lie to you, it took a very long time to get here.

The first step was of course deciding that I wanted to live. The next step was love. I had to learn to take care of myself, to love myself and eventually my body. I'm sure this is as hard for everyone else as it was for me. And it takes more than just eating healthy and exercising in moderation. I've had to learn not to be stressed out all the damn time. I've had to learn how to relax. I've had to learn to accept myself for who I am. Instead of over-analyzing every aspect of my life, I try to, ya know, live it. Instead of constantly worrying if I'm enough, I regularly have to take a step back and realize that "enough" is right up there with "perfection" and "balance" on the list of illusions the world is trying to sell you. There is no such thing as enough. You have to let that fear go. You are beyond enough. But it doesn't matter how many times I or anyone else tells you that. You have to want, really want, to believe that yourself.

This year's NEDAwareness theme is "Let's Get Real". So complete, unfiltered truth here. Recovery can be a fucking nightmare. But guess what? If you're letting your eating disorder consume you, you're already living the worst nightmare imaginable. Recovery might suck large but it's nothing compared with what you're constantly doing to yourself. I know you might feel numb a lot of the time and so you think living with your illness is not that bad. But as your body slowly deteriorates, the numbness won't be enough. Eventually all you will feel is pain. All you will see are nightmares, even when you're awake.

Recovery makes you face those nightmares. It requires that you quit hiding behind your illness and instead stand up to it. It forces you to shed that numbness and feel everything, no matter how painful. It usually includes therapy of some kind, whether you want it or not. And in it, even if it takes years and years, you will have to talk about all the things you don't want to talk about. The primary one being why you are doing this to yourself. You may not, like I did not, know why at first. And that will be part of the challenge. Sorting through all your own agonizing feelings and memories to find the source.

I spent many years in recovery not knowing why I felt the way I did, why I had started hurting myself in the first place. I spent most of those years not really trying to figure it out, but instead trying to put it behind me and hope I was past the worst of it. It wasn't until depression came back and knocked me on my ass after so many years of recovery that I sought out treatment again. That I started to dig for that why. That I realized I would never be free until I understood it.

And after a lot more work and soul-searching, I found my answer. Like a revelation, the pieces started to fall into place. And I began to understand the most important piece of the entire puzzle. The piece I think is critical to everyone's recovery. That this was not my fault.

It is not your fault!

It is not your fault. It is not your fault. Say that to yourself, over and over until you believe it. These are powerful words that have the ability to help you take that next step in recovery. Once you believe them, you will realize the next steps are entirely in your control and up to you. It was not your fault it started. But now you choose to continue down the self-destructive path that leads to a life of misery and likely an early death. Or you choose to find a different path. Your own path instead of your eating disorder's path. This path is still hard, uncertain, and full of challenges. But it is yours to make it what you want. And trust me when I say, it is a beautiful path.

Life in recovery is messy, imperfect, surprising, and will still often feel out of your control. But it is beautiful in spite of, and often because of, all of it's so called imperfections. All of the lies your eating disorder is feeding you couldn't be farther from the truth. Life is worth living. You are worthy. You have no idea what amazing experiences life has in store for you. No matter how bad life can suck sometimes, there is still always wonderful things along with the challenges. Don't let your eating disorder steal all of life's joy from you. Don't let it steal your life. And never forget...

Recovery is worth it.


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