This popped up on my Facebook memories on Dec 17th:

Wow I don't believe it's been over 4 years since we first heard Sebastian might have NF1 (neurofibromatosis type 1). My memory of the day we first heard that word is still very clear. Brian called me at work not long after Sebastian's check-up. I stepped outside to take the call. I answered, expecting to hear all was well. But instead, I heard concern and frustration in Brian's voice as he told me what the doctor said. My heart immediately sank, before I knew anything about it. Not because I was convinced there was anything wrong. But because I had so been hoping for a good check-up for him, finally. But it just wasn't to be.

Re-reading that post now brings up so many emotions. It's funny to realize how much I just HATED all his doctors, even though they all turned out to be good. Like his pediatrician at the time. I had never even met her at that point but I was pissed she didn't give Brian more information (which I still think she totally should've). In retrospect, I think she just didn't want to scare him if she was wrong. And also general practitioners seem to be well trained, or maybe almost forced, to recommend a specialist for anything that ails us past the basics. I didn't realize at the time how incredibly lucky we were to even have a pediatrician who knew what NF was and recognized the signs. If anything serious had been wrong with Sebastian, catching it early could've made all the difference in helping him.

When reading this, I also feel immense sadness and compassion for the 2012 version of our family, and how perfect our lives had been going until that moment. The year leading up to this news was one of the most stress-free years of my life. We were enjoying living in Oregon and having Sebastian stay home with Brian and being well and healthy more often. I was loving my job and being debt-free after our short-sale had finally went through. I was finally feeling healthy myself, and running, cycling, and doing yoga more than ever before. We had even started trying for baby #2. Life was good.

Obviously the diagnosis changed our lives forever. I used to feel guilty for my depression from this, but as I progressed through my grief, I realized there was nothing for me to be ashamed of. It's hard to go from feeling like life is perfect in one moment to total shit the next. And it's okay to hurt for your child. It's okay to be depressed when you're left helpless. It's okay that I was in denial about it for a long time. It was a rough couple of months after this post as we worked through the process of getting the diagnosis confirmed, seeing all the specialists, doing all the research and educating ourselves as much as possible. But in the end, it all turned out well. We learned this diagnosis was not a death sentence, not even a guaranteed rough life sentence. It's just a label (and we know how I feel about labels). His condition has not worsened. Physical therapy is helping him increase his strength and coordination. He is smarter than ever, reading a full grade ahead and asking me a new math problem daily. He is perfectly healthy, despite the NF1.

I am beyond grateful for how well he is doing. I continue to choose to believe only the best for Sebastian. I'm confident in the knowledge that positive thinking and not worrying every moment is by far the best thing I can do for my kids, no matter what happens in their lives. But a piece of me still wishes I could just go back and hug myself 4 years ago and say the words I needed to hear and believe...

🎶"don't you worry, about a thing, cause every little things gonna be alright."🎶

Today seemed like a great day to join in on a confessional link-up with my dearest Danielle over at Sparkles & Lattes.

I confess that...

...I dislike most Christmas music. Some of it's okay, and I'll play it for my kids occassionally and sing along with them. But it gets overplayed to death every year and some of it is just so cheesy and terrible. Except Mariah Carey's Christmas album. I still listen that shit every year hahaha! (Yes I know it's cheesy and overplayed too!)

...I just love decorations, especially lights. I want to be one of those crazy people with a billion lights on my house. I just don't want to spend the money and time to do it.

...I hate shopping. No matter what it's for or what time of year, it's just not my favorite thing. Decisions have to made, money has to spent, and this time of year there's crowds and traffic and weather to drive in and I'd rather stay home curled up on the couch with a cup of tea. I've never been more thankful for online shopping than I am this year.

...Christmas is so much better with children. It's easy to get stressed and burnt out on this crazy, busy season but the kids make it worth it. They're so excited by the decorations and silly Christmas movies and baking and Santa and presents of course. Now if I could just get them to appreciate giving as much as receiving, we'll be all set!

...I love the movie Elf. And so does Sebastian. So we have seen it way too many times. But not as many as Home Alone 1 & 2. You've never heard a kid laugh as hard as Sebastian does while watching the bad guys get hurt.

...I really do enjoy giving gifts, even though I don't enjoy the shopping piece. My favorite gifts to give are homemade ones. I just wish I had time to make every present, but I would have to be making gifts year round for that to happen.

...Brian and I hardly surprise each other with gifts anymore. We're too practical to spend money on something we don't think the other person will like, so we always ruin the surprise and make sure we get the right things each year. He even bought his own presents this year, and already used it the cheater!

...I much prefer staying home to traveling during the holidays. It just saves so much time and money to travel in the summer when there are less holidays and no ice and snow.

...I haven't mailed out actual Christmas cards in years. I guess I feel like it's a waste of paper and postage, mostly cards just get thrown away. Just saving the planet, one card at a time. 😉

...the biggest thing left on my to-do list is to get pictures printed. I am procrastinating because it takes so long to sort through thousands of pictures and decide which ones to print! Plus I forgot to do it last year so it will be twice as bad as normal. Waaaa!

What about you? Have any Christmas confessions you need to get off your chest? Leave them in the comments below!

It's official. I'm an adult now. I've been looking at college savings plans for my kids and this week I voluntarily went to a meeting about my 401k. It's time to make decisions about how to invest my money for RETIREMENT? Seriously, I'm not that old, but I have to worry about that now? UGH!

Fuck being an adult. I feel like I'm just now realizing that I'm all grown up. At this point in life, we're expected to already be well established in our chosen career, be making lots of money, buying a house, buying multiple new cars, investing wisely, getting married, having kids, taking expensive vacations, the American Dream baby! This is it, we're all there right?! Yeah me neither. You know why? Because the American Dream is bullshit. Because success isn't something defined by society or anyone but yourself. Success is what you decide it should be.

And success for me? You guessed it. It has NOTHING to do with money. Yes I have a good career. But I don't own a home. We only own 1 used car. At the moment, I have 0 dollars invested in anything. I don't own designer clothes or purses or anything like that. I shop at Goodwill. No joke. I don't give a single fuck about financial position or social status or any of that crap. Success in my mind is defined by how I feel about my life. What am I accomplishing? What progress have I made with my own issues? What am I giving back to the world? These define my success.

So do I feel successful? Eh, sometimes. Not like I've completed my life's goals or anything. I have lots of goals about lots of things and it will take my whole lifetime to complete them all, I'm sure. But I feel good about the progress I've made, the things I have accomplished, and where I'm at. Sometimes I don't, sometimes I'm downright depressed if I focus too much on what's ahead. But you know what helps me get over that? My children.

From the American Dream's standpoint, I'm nothing special. But when I look at my children, I think wow, I'm not a waste of space at all. Look at these kids! They are beautiful, intelligent, mostly polite, little human beings with good hearts! They talk to people. They care about people. They want to be friends with everyone. They aren't afraid to dance and sing. They aren't afraid to be goofy and laugh inappropriately loud at fart jokes. They give us hugs and kisses and say awww when they see a puppy or a baby. They say "I love you" to us everyday.

I'm not taking credit for all of their wonderful qualities. Who can say how much of these things are just their own personality and how much is what we taught them? No one knows. But I know that they came from me and Brian. I know that Brian is unique in his dad skills. And while he won't admit it, he works really hard and does an amazing job at raising these crazy little kids. I know that I try my hardest to do the best I can for them. And when they kiss me on the cheek and Sebastian asks me how my day was or Oscar gets excited to see me and yells "Mommy!" my heart sings. And I experience true happiness in those moments because I know that I am a successful human being. Even if I do nothing else worthwhile in my life, at least I helped create these amazing people.

That is not my intention of course, I intend to continue doing my best so that they continue learning all they can from me. But they are still my reminder to define my own success. To not get wrapped up in what the world is trying to tell me I need to do to be successful. Because that is what I want them to do for themselves. The best way to help our kids achieve their dreams would be to give them an example of how that's possible. What better example then their own parents?

Success should be a personal thing. It should be unique to your dreams and goals. It should be raw, real, genuine. It takes a lot of effort to come up with our own definition of success, create goals for ourselves, figure out our dreams, and plans for accomplishing them. Following along with society's definition is the easy way out. Anyone can put on a suit and go kiss some corporate ass if they want to achieve the stereotypical definition of success. But there's nothing genuine about that. And would you really be happy even if you had all that? Sounds like a life lived on the surface to me. I want to dive into the deep end of life and find all the hidden treasures. I'm not interested in staying in the shallow end.

So I'm going to keep defining my own success. Living life on my own terms. Setting goals that are MINE and no one else's. Figure out my dreams and how to achieve them. It won't be easy but at least it will be real.

What about you? How do you define success?

Last week at 5am on Monday morning, Sebastian shuffled into our room with a little sniffle. He comes to my side of the bed and says, "Mom, I threw up in my bed."

Uuuugggghhh! Brian went to assess the damage and Sebastian crawled in bed with me, which means I didn't sleep much after that. I had to be to work on time (early in my world) for a big project so I was dragging. Off to work I went to face 10+ hour days for the next 4 days. By Thursday night I was beat. Brian left to play music with his friend and I attempted to have a quiet evening with the boys. Ha! 

By then Sebastian was getting better, but now Oscar had a stuffy nose and what I thought was a cough. After dinner that cough turned into gagging and he threw up on the living room rug. I got him to the bathroom for the rest, but ya know how good a 2 year old is at aiming? After I got it mostly cleaned up, I got the boys in the bath so we could hopefully get to bed early. Bedtime consisted of me following Oscar around with a bowl trying to catch all of his throw up. Ginger kept coming upstairs and staring at me funny but I just told her to lay down. I didn't have time for her in the midst of vomit duty! 

Boys in bed, I headed downstairs to clean some more. I put away leftovers, fed Ginger, cleaned up toys, and then finally saw what Ginger was acting funny about. Poop all over the living room. WTF?! (And how the fuck did I not see it immediately when I came downstairs?!) I had let her out right before we went upstairs so she had no excuse. It wasn't Iike she was sick either so I was a bit pissed to say the least.

A bit later, I came inside from throwing away all the poop to see Oscar at the top of the stairs.

"Mommy, I threw up in my bed."

Awesome.

The view from my office that Monday...a foggy omen of the week to come

My kids get sick like all kids do, but usually it's colds. They don't throw up much thankfully. Ginger doesn't normally poop in the house. I don't normally work 10+ hour days. But all of these things happened in the same week.

Between working late and fighting off their bug, I didn't have the energy to exercise. I didn't eat the greatest either, not enough vegetables and one night I had way too much wine. By the end of the week, all my joints hurt. My face broke out. I had a headache that wouldn't go away. Many more physical symptoms of too much stress flared up. Forget about blogging as that requires more time in front of a computer which I just can't stomach after working that much. I was angry and irritable and just wanted to be alone.

I am very fortunate. My life is good, blessed, lucky, whatever word you want to use. I have it easy. When I have a rough week I get to spend the weekend recuperating (which I did). My idea of a rough week is many people's normal, and for many more people in the world, a dream week. I have NOTHING to complain about. That's why I was so irritated. Mad at myself for being such a whiner. Mad that I can't handle a little stress without becoming physically and mentally ill. Mad that I allowed shit (literally haha) that isn't important bring me down. Mad because this wasn't just last week, but is always my response to stress.

The road to self-worth and love is long, windy, rough, and lonely. Nobody but me can pull myself out of my own pathetic self-pity. I know exactly how to do it too, since I've done it a million times before. Get enough sleep, eat extra healthy, exercise, lay off the wine, cut back on caffeine, spend time with my family, spend time alone. Write. Write. Write. I was the only person in my way.

Part of seeking happiness is admitting that we cannot always be happy. It's ridiculous to expect otherwise. There are many worthy reasons to feel down and depressed. Part of recovery is learning to recognize when you're depressed for a good reason versus a bad reason, or no reason at all. This week...all bad reasons. That means suck it up and move on. When I have the knowledge, tools, and skills to pull myself out of a slump, then I know, no excuses. Just fucking do it.

Thankfully I took my own advice, and am feeling much better now. Which means, I've got a lot of half written posts waiting patiently for me to finish in the next week or two, so I hope you're ready to read. 😆

Monday was Sebastian's 7th birthday. For any of you with little kids, I'm sure you know how I'm feeling. It's something like...

"Holy fuck how is he 7?!"

For any of you with older kids I'm sure you're laughing at me and saying something like...

"Just wait until they're 18, then you'll really feel old!"

And you're totally right. I'm certain I will feel this at every single one of my kids' birthdays for the rest of my life. Their birthdays are the reminder of how quickly time moves, much more so than my own birthday. Maybe because little kids change more in 1 year than adults. Or maybe it's just because it makes me feel sentimental. Like a mother should be while watching her babies grow up.

While I may be in awe of how fast it's all going, at no time do I wish for it to stop. People often say things like "don't you wish they'd stay little forever?" No, I definitely do not. I love watching them learn and grow. I love seeing what each new phase will bring. And I love that they're still little enough to like spending time with me. But if they weren't growing, none of this would seem special. Like so much in life, it means more because it's temporary. It's always changing, giving you no time to waste. Only time to savor every moment you can since you know it's the only moment like this you will get. Your kids will never again be as young as they are right now. That's why they are so precious.

The funny thing about time is how it can feel like it's moving at the speed of light but also slow at the same time. If I think of everything that has happened in the last 7 years I realize, it does feel likes it's been awhile. We have done so much with him. We made many first child mistakes. We learned what it's like to have a baby and stay awake all night trying to get him to sleep. We both changed our work situations so we can be with him more. We had our hearts broken when receiving his NF diagnosis. We grew stronger in the aftermath, learning how precious and fragile our child's life really is. We had his brother and watched their bond form. We took them on many plane trips, road trips, camping, fishing, swimming, farm exploring, berry picking, beach playing, hiking, bike riding, stroller adventuring, park playing, and so much more.

I have learned what it feels like to fail as a parent and to succeed. I have enjoyed more hugs, kisses, and snuggles than I can count, and still hope for countless more. I have learned I can love and hate a thing at the same time. I have learned what unconditional love is and that I am capable of it. My experiences as a parent have made me a better person. Stronger, more compassionate, more patient (sometimes), and more complete. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So here's to 7 years as a parent, and the 70 more to come. (Yes I'm living to 101.)

I haven't joined my friend Danielle for Confessional Thursday in quite awhile so thought I'd share some parenting confessions with you today.

I confess that...

...I am a bit uncomfortable around kids other than my own. I just don't know how to make other kids behave. I am easily overwhelmed by mobs of children (a mob=more than 2) and one of my least favorite things is indoor play places.

...when kids are mean to my kids, I have a hard time holding back the urge to tell the kid off or at least send them away. But I know my kids must learn to handle mean people. Still, baffles me how horrible kids can be at such a young age. If my kids are ever an ass to you or your kids I give you full permission to call them out on their shit and ask them to stop or send them home!

...I'm kind of strict about bedtime. They don't go to bed super early but I don't often let them stay up past 9 and avoid things that will keep them up late. Sleep is super important to their mental and physical growth and I'm not going to purposefully keep them from getting as much sleep as possible. Plus they turn into little assholes when they're tired.

...I am even stricter about my kids sugar intake. Yep that's right, I am "that mom." Sebastian has a clear sugar intolerance with symptoms including moodiness, vomiting, and diarrhea if he has too much, and Oscar gets crazy hyper. Think what you want about it, I don't care when we're talking about my children's health.

...my kids can be so annoying and it's all my fault. My wonderful genetic gifts included talking incessantly, asking a million questions, and repeating oneself to death, all things I also drove my parents crazy with when I was a child. Karma can be a real pain in the ass.

...it makes me feel so much better when Brian loses his patience with the kids too. Then at least I know I'm not just being impatient with them, they really can be frustrating beyond reason.

...despite my frustrations, I LOVE spending time with these little monsters. Walks, bike rides, cards, board games, Legos, cars, it's all fun times with them. Snuggles are still my favorite though, no matter how big they get.

...I have been able to take Fridays off this summer so I could spend more time with them and it was the best decision I've made in a long time. I have my whole life to work but my kids will only be little right now.

Let's be real...there are days when being positive and loving yourself feels impossible. Everything's going wrong either in your own life or in those around yours. Maybe the kids are driving you crazy, work is a stressful mess, relationships are strained, etc. Whatever it is, or sometimes it's all of it, you're not alone. We all have these days. They're usually the days you keep thinking, "why did I get out of bed?!" But you know why. You had to. You can't stay in bed every time you have a rough day. If you've ever battled depression, then you know that if you stayed in bed every time you felt like that, then you'd never get up.

So what should you do when this happens? Give up and crawl back into bed? Cry and scream about the injustices of life? Sometimes, yes!, you should do those things. There are days you do need a break, you do need to vent to someone who is willing to listen. But it can't be every day, or even every bad day, so you need a backup plan. What you need is a good laugh. Do something guaranteed to at least make you smile. Watch a funny movie, stand-up comedy, or silly YouTube videos, whatever will make you laugh until you pee. Listen to music that makes you want to dance and sing. Take your kids for a walk or at least get outside for a bit. Play a game with your kids. Talk to a neighbor, friend, or spouse (preferably someone who tends to be a happy person) and can get your mind off your shitty day. Or get a good workout in...this may not make you laugh but will definitely help you clear your head and get out some frustrations.

Yes I am essentially telling you to distract yourself. This is in no way a long-term cure for depression, but it is definitely a short-term fix for a bad day. When you struggle with being negative or depressed, a lot of days are bad days. But not all of them are worthy of depressing you further or ruining your progress, and they're definitely not worthy of doing you in completely. When I'm struggling through a day like this, I frequently ask myself, what is actually wrong? Is it something big and worthy of feeling depressed? Because let's face it, there are definitely real things that happen in life that just flat out suck and it's okay to be upset about them. But then there are other things, more "first-world problem" types of things, that are petty and insignificant in the grand scheme, and sometimes they just all add up to a shitty day. Take a few moments to be mindful of what it is you're actually upset about, and you may realize it's over nothing important at all. These are the days you just need a little Positivity Tuesday bear in your life!

Trask River, Tillamook State Forest

Have you ever gone camping somewhere without a campground? It's pretty magical actually. A lot less people. Just your family and nature. I grew up camping on beaches at a lake where you had to drive to a real bathroom or shower or pavement of any kind. You were lucky if there was an outhouse nearby that wasn't swarming with bees. So this wasn't totally new territory for me, but it had been a long time. I'd forgotten how hard it is to squat and pee and not get it all over your pants or shoes. Can you imagine how much stronger our legs would be if we always had to do that? Yeah I'm sure you're happy about that visual. Just wait, there's more.

It's pretty sad how easily we get scared over wildlife when we're not used to being far away from civilization. I was awake much of the night (which is normal for camping it seems). But this time, I kept wondering if there were any mountain lions or bears in the area that could smell me menstruating and were going to come and attack us. I kept telling myself to stop being ridiculous, but regardless, I will definitely plan our next camping trip at a different time of the month.

After I relaxed about being eaten, I had a great time. The kids had a blast as well. We've decided it's important to take them places like this is much as possible, because who knows how long it will exist. Even here with all us crazy hippies fighting to keep our trees, you still see a ton of clear-cut forests. So we will be back soon, with the fishing poles that we forgot this trip, and with any friends who are interested in joining us!

You can see our "campsite" through the trees there on the left

Boys enjoying climbing on the rocks

Water was perfect... cool and clear

View from one of the roads on the way home

The view didn't suck

Almost 16 years ago, I walked into my first day of Algebra II. A nervous and self-conscious 15 year old, I immediately scanned the classroom for a friend to sit next too. I spotted Brian near the front, who I only knew from a few, short conversations we'd had the year before. Thankful to see someone who didn't suck, I took the seat next to him and said "hey Brian." Quiet and shy at the time (believe it or not), Brian gave a small smile back and said "hey." He might've been blushing, too.

Where you sit in class your Sophomore year of high school...such a seemingly insignificant decision in the grand scheme of things, but turned out to be a crucial moment in my life. We spent the school year flirting and getting to know each other, and then started dating. And so began our journey together, and what a journey it's been! I could write a nice, long book about our relationship, but in the interest of time, I'll give you the short version mostly through pictures.

A little over 15 years ago, I took a chance on this guy:

Huh?

 And he took a chance on this girl:

Yep that's a cat in my jacket sleeve...wtf

And we fell in love:

Awwwww

And we ended up getting married 13 years ago today:

More Awwwwws

And created a nice life together, including creating a couple of beautiful, little lives:

Sebastian- 2 weeks old

Oscar- 2 weeks old

And now we're one big, happy family. 

And we are living happily ever after. :)

A few weeks ago I was chatting on the phone with my dad.

"You both are doing such a great job with the boys," Dad said happily.

"Brian is, not sure about me. Most of the time I feel like I'm a bitch to them. I don't have Brian's patience, ya know," I admitted.

"No you're not. You're doing a great job and I'll tell you why. You love them. Some days that's all I did right with you girls, was love you," Dad said.

Wow! I've said more than once that I might write a book of all the (mostly crazy) things my dad says, but that one tops them all, and not for being crazy. It really hit home and reminded me of the most important thing you do as a parent: loving your children.

In today's world, (or maybe it's always been this way), parenting has been turned into some twisted competition. Let's see who can do everything for their children and have them turn out perfect! Give me a break. NOBODY! That's who. Parenting shouldn't be treated as a contest to see who can do it the best. Some of the shittiest parents in the world end up with amazing children, and vice versa. Parents love to take all the credit for their children's accomplishments but also all of the blame for their failures. You know what I think? What we do as parents matters, it does. But it's not everything. Our children are their own, unique human beings with free will and the ability to use it! Every mistake we make as parents will not necessarily ruin them as people. They're here for their own reasons, their own journey, and they make their own choices, even as children, that shape who they are and who they will be someday. That's something we parents need to keep in mind when we want to blame ourselves for every little mistake they make or take credit for all the awesome things they do. Some of those things may be our doing, but many are not.

Sometimes we feel like a shitty parent for nagging too much, missing a school event or milestone because we had to work, or missing dinner because we stole an hour to ourselves to go to yoga. All things that currently make me feel like an imperfect mother. But when I'm feeling less somehow, if I remember to flip that around I instantly feel better. I do all those things because I love them with all of my being. I nag because I want them to learn what I'm trying to teach them! I work because I want to feed them healthy food and give them a safe place to live. And I steal time for myself because I want them to have a sane and happy mother. I love them and put them first in everything I do, even when it might look like I'm doing something selfish or being a bitch. Don't get me wrong, I'm still working hard on getting them to listen without being a bitch, but it would be nice to feel less guilt during the learning process.

The other thing this reminded me of is the importance of love over everything else. New toys, the latest technology, glamorous vacations, and expensive higher education... parents feel like this is all our responsibility and we worry if our kids don't have the best of everything. But I can think of so many other things that are much more important. Spending time with them. Teaching them what's really important in life. Letting them be a real part of your life, and not something you're always too busy for. If you love your children, really love them, and take the time to show them that, that is worth more than anything you could ever buy them.

So some days, loving your children is all you do right. But that's ok, because it is definitely the most important thing you will ever do as a parent.

I have been seriously slacking on blog posts lately, but for a good reason. I've been working on another post for The Mighty about dealing with depression after your child receives a diagnosis, not just for NF, but any medical condition. Parents don't often like to talk about the depression they might experience over their children, but like all mental illness, I think it's important we all start discussing these things. So give it a read and let me know your thoughts!

http://themighty.com/2016/06/experiencing-depression-after-your-childs-diagnosis/

Last day of Kindergarten

Today I did a guest post over at my friend Kristen's blog, in honor of NF Awareness month. So head over there and check it out.

https://invisibleillnessbattle.wordpress.com/2016/05/31/be-our-guest-nobody-said-it-was-easy/

Today is World NF Awareness day. Neurofibromatosis (NF) is a neurological disorder caused by a mutation in the NF1 gene. This is caused by either a parent with NF passing on the mutation (a 50% chance) or a new random mutation. NF happens to 1 in 3000 births, making it a "rare" condition. But it is more common than cystic fibrosis, muscular distrophy, and Huntington's Disease combined. For more information, visit ctf.org. 

For NF Awareness day, I want to express my gratitude for something I never thought I would be thankful for. I am thankful for whatever caused my son's random genetic mutation in his NF1 gene. I know I haven't always been grateful, in fact, I'm usually quite the opposite. Usually I'm saying why him? It's not fair. And it still isn't fair, but neither are many things that happen in this world. Fair is an illusion we all wish was real.

But I am grateful for this experience, as unfair as it is. Before having children, I never gave much thought to what it would be like to raise a child with special needs of any kind. Those types of things always happen to other people right? Wrong. These types of things happen to anyone, indiscriminate of pretty much all factors.

Having a child with this diagnosis is never easy. Sometimes it's downright frightening. But my eyes have been opened to so many things they never would have been otherwise. The level of compassion and understanding I now have for anyone with a chronic illness or disability, or child with either, is not something I would have achieved without this experience. There are some things, many things actually, in life you just can't understand until you experience them yourself.

So I am grateful for the compassion, patience, and empathy I have learned through this experience. I'm grateful for the opportunity to help raise awareness for NF. I'm grateful to be a part of the NF community, a group of people who truly care for one another. And most of all, I'm grateful for the amazing support we have received from our family and friends along this journey. Sometimes the world can be cruel and ugly, but when you receive real support from people you love, it's much easier to see past all of that and into the staggering beauty in the world.

So my thanks goes out into the universe, bringing me one step further on my journey of acceptance of my beautiful son's condition. Because of it, our family will be able to make a difference in the world in a way I never imagined.

If you would like to join us in spreading awareness, the NF Walk will be happening in Portland on July 24th. You can join Team Sebastian here: http://nfwalk.org/portland
 If you'd like to make a donation instead, you can do that here: https://join.ctf.org/fundraise/team?ftid=75933

Hello dear readers! I just spent the last several days in sunny San Diego visiting one of my best friends, Lindsay. Do you ever take a vacation without your kids or spouse? This was my first time. About a year ago, Brian and I realized we had never vacationed apart. When you have little kids, and no family super close by, it makes sense to take separate vacations sometimes so you can take turns and not have to pay for babysitting. Family vacations are wonderful, but sometimes you need a break. Nothing makes me appreciate my family more than that deep ache you get when you miss them most.

Beach in La Jolla

I've never done this before because I felt guilty about leaving them with Brian since he's already with them so much. Last year he went to a musical festival with a friend and it was the first time either of us had tried the separate vacation thing. He had a great time and I also had a fun weekend with the kids. Prior to that, I was honestly afraid I couldn't handle them both by myself for several days. I know that's a weird thing for a mom to say, but after Oscar was born, it took me awhile to feel confident that I could take good care of 2 kids on my own. I'm not the most patient mother and I was worried I would lose my cool and not have anyone around to give me a 5 minute break when I needed it (I know, I'm spoiled). It turned out just fine of course and I realized that overwhelming feeling is normal, for me anyway, while having a baby. Now that Oscar's not a baby anymore, I don't feel overwhelmed. Or maybe it's just the confidence that comes with time and practice.

What kind of flower is this?!

So after Brian's trip last year I told myself I needed to stop feeling guilty and take my own trip. It took me the better part of a year to actually plan something, but I'm so glad I did. It's hard to relax at home, even if the kids aren't home, there's so much to do around the house all the time. Cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc. Sitting around always makes me feel like I'm wasting time. It's hard for me to find the balance of allowing myself to relax without feeling lazy or guilty about it. Being away from all of that for a few days is amazingly refreshing. Brian wanted me to take this break so I have no reason to feel guilty. And I'm not in the house staring at all the things to do so there's no reason to feel bad about relaxing and doing nothing.

More beach

Nothing included sleeping in, nice walks around the beach towns and by the ocean, eating out at delicious restaurants, especially seafood (mmm I love being by the ocean), sitting in the sun, laying on the beach, and going to hot yoga for only the second time in my life. It felt so great to sweat that much. That's what I've been missing with my lack of cardio the last few months. Never underestimate the value of a good sweat and how detoxifying it is for your body. Friday was a night out with drinks and food and friends and I had such a great time, it was well worth the mild hangover and sore joints from too much wine. Although I did lay off the alcohol for the rest of the trip.

Am I drunken texting?!

So to all my parent readers, don't be afraid to leave your kids with your spouse for a few days and take a real vacation. The kind with friends and no work and lots of sleep and relaxation. Don't feel guilty because you will be such a better parent when you return. Your kids will appreciate the refreshed you versus the tired, stressed, and overworked you. When I get really stressed out, I am not a very good parent. I get depressed, impatient, and allow life to get too busy to spend quality time with them. That's not the mom I want them to have, so if taking a real break sometimes is what I need to do to be the best mom I can be, then I'm going to do it. And you should too! :)

You know the whole "when it rains it pours" thing? Well do I have a story for you about that! In my case, it poured mostly disgusting things. A whole weekend of them... wonderful opportunities to try my hardest to celebrate all the shitty moments in life.

It all started on Thursday with a broken washing machine. I was quickly approaching an overflowing basket of dirty laundry that I had planned to do this weekend. Inconvenient, but manageable. But then Friday morning started with us noticing a slightly funky smell in the house. At first it just smelled like the garbage needed to go out or maybe something in the fridge had gone over. Brian spent the morning searching for the source but was unsuccessful. They mostly spent the day outside away from the smell. When I got home from work and stepped in the house, the smell was so bad I wanted to vomit. After lots of sniffing around I finally noticed it seemed to be coming from the air vent by the sliding glass door in the back. Not just the smell of garbage, but the smell of death. Something had died either under the house or in the air duct, we were sure of it. Of course it was after 5, so we could not get a hold of our property manager. I covered the vent to try and make it bearable and spent as little time downstairs as possible. Saturday morning Brian opened all the windows and setup a fan to try and blow the smell out, keeping it livable but still disgusting. Then he dressed himself up in this awesome outfit:

...and was brave enough to get down in the crawl space and look around. Sebastian insisted on going with him, fully covered and with a mask on. It wasn't until they crawled around for awhile that Brian realized there was rat piss and shit everywhere. So back up they came with word of the rat damage and not positive where the source was. There is a decent sized opening where the air conditioner duct goes under the house that even a very fat rat could easily squeeze into. So Brian dug around there looking for more evidence and found nothing. He also tried vacuuming out the air vent but also found nothing but dirt.

I spent all this time obsessively cleaning the house. I wasn't brave enough to go down with the rats, as my immune system is not very strong and I would likely be that one person to catch the hantavirus or the plague. So I cleaned everything I could. All this cleaning and rat hunting meant we weren't keeping a perfect eye on Oscar, who was running around naked like he enjoys. He pooped on the floor twice and peed all over the stairs. Yep, potty training is still two steps forward and one step back most days and Saturday was no exception.

Finally the property manager called us back but said he'd called around and couldn't find any pest control people that were available to come to the house that day. He would keep trying but we did not want to wait around for him to find someone. Brian suited up again, sans Sebastian this time, and went back down into the rat pit, this time armed with some old scissors so he could cut loose some of the insulation where he had a hunch the death smell was hiding. And right he was. He cut loose the insulation above the air duct right near the vent where we smelled it, and splat went a dead, maggoty rat. He also found several skeletons which means rats have been around for a lot longer than just this week. Lovely.

Pest control people should be coming out this week to assess the damage, lay some bait traps, and see what else we can do to prevent this. I requested no poison sprayed and thankfully they said they rarely do that anymore, so hopefully that will not be necessary. I am concerned about our compost pile which lives in the backyard as far away from the house as possible, but still awfully close even for a rat. Compost is the best way to make good fertilizer for your home garden, and reduce kitchen waste, so I do not want to get rid of it. I think instead I'll start looking into bins to keep it in and the rats out. Anyone else have ideas on rat prevention, let us know please!

With the house much cleaner and smelling 1000 times better, I escaped to dinner with one of my dearest friends, which saved my sanity! I headed into Sunday thinking it would be a good day. Which it was...well, it had it's ups and downs. We took Ginger to a Greyhound walk which she thoroughly enjoyed and the kids got to play at the park there. In the afternoon we planted some more in our garden and got some yard work done. In the process I found this beauty:

...because why wouldn't a big-ass, monster spider appear on this most lovely of weekends? Fine, whatever, it least it was outside. But it still wasn't done dumping nasty all over us. We had an empty bin in the backyard that we use to collect rainwater and use it to water the grass. It has a tendency to grow moss and mildew though so I went to dump it out before it got worse. As I dumped it. I got a whiff of another horrible, dead smell! WTF?!?! I hosed off the grass where I had dumped it right away and discovered a tiny little skeleton with a beak. I guess a bird died in there? No idea how but I'd had enough of nasty smells for one weekend so this was pretty revolting.

Then from inside the house I hear, "will you hose off this mat? Oscar stepped in dog poop. The other rug inside is even worse."

What's next?! Bring it, whatever it is, I doubt it will surprise me!
 

When I posted one of my last posts about priorities to Facebook, I tagged my beautiful friend Catterina and mentioned her #30daysofcelebration of #lifeasafestival movement that she's started. I've been meaning to write more about it since I'm guessing the rest of my friends can't see the wonderful things she's been posting about this. The purpose is to encourage people to celebrate life as a festival, meaning if your life was a festival, what would that look like? It's about getting out of your comfort zone and not being afraid to do whatever it is that feels good at that moment, whether it's singing, laughing, crying, or skipping. And probably most importantly, it's about celebrating every moment of your life, even the shitty ones.

Celebrating life when things aren't going the way you'd like is a challenge. I've spent the last several weeks extremely irritated with my body. I'm still doing physical therapy for my knee and working on trying to reintroduce all the foods from my elimination diet, and none of it is going well. I was feeling a lot better a few weeks ago. I'd gotten through all of the lower reactive foods on my list and physical therapy seemed to have really helped both my knee and my back. Then I started running a little bit and also started reintroducing the higher reactive foods on the list. One or both of those things has caused the pain in my knee to return full force. I stopped running of course and haven't had much success with any of the new foods I've tried, everything either gives me a stomach ache, headache, or sinus congestion. And now this week we've had GORGEOUS weather, which is awesome, but everything is covered in a nice layer of pollen so it's hard to know if my headaches and sinus congestion are from seasonal allergies or food. All I know is I only have 2 more things left on my food list to get through but now I feel like I have to stop and wait for everything to feel better before I continue.

I am so FUCKING frustrated! It's been almost a year since I've been able to run without pain. And it's been over 4 months of physical therapy and dieting. I feel like I'm doing everything natural that I can do to help my body get back to health but I'm confronted with a new challenge at every turn. Things feel good for awhile, and then horrible again, and I just can't take this roller coaster shit any more. On top of it all, or probably because of it all, my insomnia is back from hell again after only a short time of it having been gone. Life is hard enough with a full nights sleep, eating whatever food I want, and exercising as much as I want without pain. Trying to get through a day on shitty sleep, a severely restrictive diet, and no cardio is making me crazy.

It's a serious challenge for me to share my vulnerability with you, or anyone for that matter. Mostly I feel obligated to be strong, put on that fake mask that everything's ok. You know what I'm talking about. I watch friends do it all the time. Admit that life is stressing them out to no end, and in the next breath when someone asks how they're doing, they smile and say "really good!" We're all guilty of it. None of us wants to be vulnerable. Opening up and telling someone that we feel like we're sucking at life leaves us feeling exposed, with all of our truths and flaws out in the open for people to see. We're all too worried about appearing perfect. When the truth is there are few perfect moments in life. That's why we have to learn to celebrate all of the moments, especially the less than perfect ones.

Remembering to celebrate life really does help me get through the shittiest of moments. No matter what the shit is, there's always still so much good to celebrate. My body may not be doing what I want, but I still have so much. I can still pick up my kids and hold them tight. I can still kiss my amazing husband. I can still walk and pet my sweet dog. I still have my mind, with all it's intelligence and craziness, happiness and depression, love and hate. I still have the ability to love and care for my family. I still have this beautiful place that I live in to enjoy.  I can still write.

So I'm going to embrace this imperfect moment for everything it has to teach me. After all, who would we be without all the challenges in life that make us who we are?

You see that adorable boy? That's Oscar. He's officially out of the crib and into Sebastian's car bed. That's my baby. He isn't a baby anymore. He's a little boy. A running, crazy talking, wild man. It happened so fast. I know everyone says that, "it goes so fast". Sounds cliche even repeating it because you hear it so much from older parents. But oh man is it true. And I know it will only go faster. I don't even want to imagine it going any faster.

Realizing how fast it's going is making me constantly reevaluate my life and how I'm spending my time. Our society is setup for distraction, so it's easy to lose sight of what's important. There's too many things wasting our time and stressing us out that just don't matter. I feel the only way to avoid this is to figure out what's most important and prioritize those things. And here they are:

1) Survival
2) Happiness

That's right ladies and gentlemen, I just boiled life down into the only 2 things that actually matter. Over-simplification is key here as we are purposefully trying to forget all the small things. Survival might sound like a given, but we often put things that will help us survive on the back-burner, like eating healthy, exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep. You can only survive as a couch potato, eating junk food, and staying up all night for so long, it will eventually catch up to you. Staying healthy means staying alive. And happiness... well for me that's all about love; being with the people you love and doing the things you love.

With these two things in mind, I'm trying to find all the things that are wasting time in my life and get rid of them. Things like obsessively cleaning my house, stressing out about how little cardio I'm still able to do, worrying about money, work, or basically anything we'd coin a first-world problem, it's all a complete waste of my life. But you know what isn't? Spending time with Brian and the kids, cooking my family a healthy meal, doing yoga, going for a hike, camping, reading, writing, singing, gardening...and taking the time to think about what is actually important to my happiness.

So if you write me on social media and I take a week to reply, you know why. If you come over to my house and think "god what a mess", I hope you follow up that thought with, "good for her". If you try to make plans with us and get the reply more than once that we'll be busy, it's because we'll be camping, hiking, and adventuring as much as possible. But you are always welcome to join us. :)

"Mom, will you play with me?" big eyes locked onto mine.
"Not right now, honey, I have to put away the dishes."
"I'll help you!."
"That's ok, you don't have to."
"No, I want to help you!"
"Ok, you can put away the silverware."
Dishes were away in a race, "now can we play?"
"Well, it's bath or shower time, so you need to do that first, and then we'll see if there's time to play."
"Ok! I will get in the shower and just wash up right away and get out!" he dashed upstairs to take what ended up being a very quick dip in the bathtub after Oscar got out. He brushed his teeth and was in his jammies by 8, pretty early for him.
"I'm ready to play now Mom!"
"We need to put away these clothes. And you need to clean your room first, it's a mess!" dragging clothes out of the drier, I started folding quickly and he wasted no time throwing Thomas the Train track into his basket and dirty clothes into his hamper.
"You like how I put my blankets on my bed?" a knotted mess of blankets and sheets sat in a heap on his bed. Mentally, I laughed and sighed.
"Don't worry about your bed, just get all the toys off your floor."
A few minutes later, floor mostly clean, "my room is clean now!"
"Ok, I'll let daddy finish folding these clothes," as I got up and walked away from piles of folded and unfolded little boy clothes sitting in the middle of the narrow hallway outside the laundry closet, I realized, I don't think I have ever done this. I've never voluntarily stopped in the middle of any kind of cleaning or organizing to play with my kids. It's not because I don't want to, it's because I'm slightly OCD and more than a little crazy about the fact that I can't do everything that needs to be done every damn day of my life.

What does that OCD do for me? It makes me an asshole parent. Yep, that's right. Caring more about how clean our house is than spending time with our kids is pretty fucking stupid when you think about it. I'm not saying we should all live in filth, but there should be a balance right? There's got to be a happy medium of work and play, in everything in life. I feel like I spend the majority of my life working, either at work or home cleaning and organizing and such. I don't spend nearly enough time playing with my kids. I'm not trying to be that parent. The one that always has an excuse not to play. But it dawned on me this evening after how many times I was putting Sebastian off, that I do seem like that parent. Of course that wasn't my intention, it rarely is. I would be lying if I said never, because sometimes often that kid gets very needy wanting us to constantly entertain him and we have to tell him to find something to do on his own. But back to the balance. It occurred to me as I was folding clothes and watching how quickly Sebastian was cleaning his room (something that without an incentive, takes him an eternity) that he really wanted me to just play with him. He even ran downstairs to get his box of Legos and hauled it back up to his room so we could play. Brian had already started helping me fold clothes and I knew that he has no problem helping with chores so I can spend more time with the kids.

For whatever reason (many reasons only revealed to me through years of therapy and soul searching) I've always been one to take responsibility for everything I can think of and stressing myself out to the point of depression and exhaustion. But not so long ago, I said enough of this bullshit, and I've been making more of an effort to take time for myself and my family. I'm still working on not feeling guilty about it, but tonight's play time with the boys was so much fun I didn't have any guilt. It didn't matter that it was short or that he had to share me with Oscar (after some reminding that I wouldn't play if he was going to be mean to his brother). He had a fun time building guns, telescopes, spaceships, and whatever else he could think of in a short period of time. Oscar even built a car (which I was impressed that my 2 year old could do with tiny Legos!).

Days like today I'm reminded how important it is that we take time for our kids. It's easy for time to get away from us when we let ourselves get wrapped up with things that are, when you really think about it, just not important. Not compared to this incredibly brief period of time we have with our kids while they actually like us and want to spend time with us. Every time I'm around friends with older kids I'm reminded that this time is quickly running out. So take a break from your chores this week and sit on the floor with your kids and build a rocket ship with telescope mounted on the side next to a gun that shoots Lazer beems. And hope with me that the more time we spend now, the more time they'll want us around in another 10 years.

I have never tried one of these nifty link up posts, but thanks to my friend Danielle at Sparkles and Lattes, thought I would give it a try. I'm linking up with Jess from The Newly for Confessional Thursdays.

I confess...

...I rarely (like once a month, or possibly less) spend more than 5 minutes doing my hair. And I don't understand why anyone does. Why can't our hair look like it actually is naturally? Especially when you live anywhere with weather, there's no point. I actually curled my hair for date night last weekend and I had to cover it up with a hood every time we were outside so the rain didn't ruin it. I felt like such a silly girl.

...silly girl things like above bug me to no end. No matter how dumb I think they are, I still catch myself doing them sometimes, all the while thinking about how stupid I'm being. I also hate that I have no other words to describe these types of things to you except "silly girl".

...I'm impatient with my children way too often. Like if I haven't had any caffeine in the morning, right after I get home from a hard day at work, anytime Sebastian interrupts Brian and I trying to have a conversation, getting the boys ready for bed with the screaming toddler who doesn't want us to brush his teeth and the 6 year old who has to be reminded 9000 times to get ready for bed. Some days I feel like an asshole mother and other days I think I'm actually very patient with them. I think it has to do with how well I slept.

...I have insomnia sometimes that will last several nights in a row where I felt like I was never fully asleep. It's the worst thing to have your kids be good sleepers and you be awake for no reason.

...I smoke weed with Brian sometimes. I've met tons of women who will easily admit that their husbands smoke but amazingly enough, the women never do. I call bullshit. I can't be the only women who likes a nice relaxing hit after the kids are asleep. It's one of the few things that helps me sleep. Come on ladies, 'fess up. It's no better or worse than drinking alcohol. It's legal here in Oregon so you can come out of the stoner closet now.

...I had way too much fun geeking out at work today learning to do animations with an html5 canvas, which is basic stuff for a javascript developer, but since I'm a c# dev, this was a nice change.

...as a teenager I didn't openly admit to all of my friends what a nerd I was/am, but now I'm slightly ashamed I used to keep it a secret. I'm teaching my boys to be nerdy, goofy, artsy, weird, whatever they want, and proud of it. 

...I'm writing this while in the bath. It's the only time I had today and I had to soak my leg which is super sore from my PT exercises. Don't worry, I never drop my phone and even if I did, it's waterproof bitches.

...I just looked down and realized how pink the water is... from my hair dye! Haha, you're welcome.

Oscar turn 2 last month. 2! Years! It's been over a month since his birthday but I'm still in shock. I mean, we went from this little baby playing soccer:

 

To this flipping toddler:

 

To this running, talking little boy:

 

But wonderfully enough, he has stayed a very happy child through all the changes. He is developing his own unique and wonderful personality. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy this age. Two is generally looked at as the "terrible twos" but I find watching them change from baby to kid is just fascinating. He has plenty of fits, louder and more screaming than I thought possible from him, but thankfully he's usually quick to calm down given the proper response from us (which is as little response as possible).

He's quite an athletic child, who spent most of this last year climbing everything he could from our bed, his high chair, and the latest, the bathroom counter! He's learning to jump high enough on the mini trampoline to scare me. And if he's in the mood, can run for almost half a mile. All of this physical ability is wrapped up in a small little package. At 33.5" (28%) tall and 25 lbs 9oz (18%), he's sitting on the low end of the growth chart. This doesn't concern us in the least since at this age, Sebastian wasn't even on the chart. And Oscar is incredibly healthy, catching many colds that Sebastian brings home from preschool, but never seeming to have more than a stuffy nose and maybe one crabby day from them. He still sleeps like a rock for 10 solid hours at night and a 1-3 hour nap in the afternoon. But he makes up for all that rest by being incredibly active while he's awake.

He is teaching me more every day about life, and just like his brother (in this regard), showing me how amazing life is when you're just happy to be alive. That's why little kids are so wonderful. They're a constant reminder of how great this moment is right here. Not earlier or tomorrow, there's no real concept of time. Just right now and how much fun, sadness, excitement, anger, or love can be had in this one moment. And the freedom to be exactly who you are, which no real restrictions being set by society yet, just total transparency into how they are feeling every minute of the day. It's refreshing and reminds me to care less and less what anyone else thinks. How much happier would the world be if everyone was truly doing what made them happiest each moment? We'd all be like children again. :)