It's incredibly hard to believe that Sebastian is turning 4 years old tomorrow. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant right now, but i...

Sebastian Oliver Rickmann

It's incredibly hard to believe that Sebastian is turning 4 years old tomorrow. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant right now, but it seems only yesterday that I was pregnant with him and trying to imagine what it would be like to actually be a mom. I truly couldn't picture it. But the best moment of my life was when I saw him for the first time. It was like I recognized him, like I knew all along what he would look like and that, now that he was here, I would know just what to do.

In the past 4 years I definitely haven't always known what to do. There have been ups and downs, amazing days, manageable days, and horrible days where you couldn't help but wonder, "what was I thinking?" "Why did I think I'd be a good parent?" Why indeed, we all wonder sometimes. But there are those moments, sometimes short-lived, but they're still there. Sometimes only when you're watching them sleep. But they are the moments that (hopefully) every parent knows. When you can stare at this person you created and know that you made the right decision. You know you're not a perfect parent, but you know that the world is a better place with your kid in it.

Thankfully Sebastian has given me lots of these moments. He amazes me every day with how fast he's learning everything. He baffles me constantly with how incredible his memory already is. But most importantly, he brings us complete joy when we see what a good heart he has. I would have never known you could tell this about anyone at such a young age, but when you watch Sebastian you know that he is truly a good person. He has not shown any signs of real anger or violence towards another person. He gets frustrated of course, but we never see him be purposefully mean to anyone. Most of the time he's very gentle and while he can get riled up and crazy like any little boy, he's usually nice and wants everyone around him to be just as nice as him. He has a hard time understanding why some kids are mean to him. He's always asking me "when will they be nice?" or "they'll be nice tomorrow?" It breaks my heart when I try to explain to him that some kids will grow out of it, but some never will. He's so sweet and innocent still, he just doesn't understand that.

This has started to remind me of all the other heart breaks he's going to have in his life. Things that we as parents all know are coming, but it's still hard to prepare yourself for. Watching your child get hurt, whether physically or emotionally, is by far the hardest thing to do. Especially when you have no control over it. The fact that he is such a kind soul makes me worry about all the extra heart breaks he might experience in his life. I just hope that we can continue to teach him the beauty in life so that he doesn't lose this kindness from all of life's ugliness.

So Happy Birthday my little man. You are truly a unique and beautiful person and I am so lucky to have you as a son.