For many years, I've had the urge to want to help others like myself. Others struggling through depression and eating disorders. I r...

I Want To Live!



For many years, I've had the urge to want to help others like myself. Others struggling through depression and eating disorders. I recently joined a couple of eating disorder support groups on facebook with this in mind. I quickly realized a few things. First, I was slightly overwhelmed by the sheer number of people who need help and this is just in these groups! It just breaks my heart that so many people on this planet struggle as I did, with something as vital as eating. Second, I have to limit how much time I spend on there because I can't help everyone and I won't be able to help anyone if I let it all drag me down. And lastly, I realized I was right. I do have the ability to help now. I am far enough in my recovery that I can be supportive. I can read people's posts and while I can remember back to a time I completely related, I no longer have that urge to be that person anymore. For someone who was told by my first therapist that I would never completely recover, it's really amazing to realize how wrong that was.

Today's post is mostly for the people in these groups, and anyone else who stumbles upon my blog that has an eating disorder. Today I am here to give you hope. The hope that you can recover. The truth that it is possible. I'm living proof of that. It's not just something the people in your life tell you to try to make you feel better. Recovery is real. I won't lie to you, it's not easy. No part of it is, it's always hard. But the farther on the path of recovery you go, the easier it gets. Some days are harder than others of course, and I still have days where I have to wrestle with my thoughts. But it's not like it was 15 years ago, or even 5 years ago. I have way more good days than bad. Even with more stress in my life now with work, family, kids, health problems, etc. you name it. Life has not gotten any easier but I have learned healthy coping mechanisms instead of destructive ones.

It all comes down to a choice. My father gave me the advice long ago when I was in the worst of it. I didn't listen then of course, but later on I realized it was actually great advice. He said, "you're complicating things. Keep it simple. Do you want to live or do you want to die? You want to live. Do you want to be happy or miserable? You want to be happy." After that is where we part ways on opinions, because as someone who has struggled with depression on and off for most of my life, I know that it's not as simple as "just be happy". Yes you have a choice. But when you're depressed, it's very difficult to choose happiness. Often you feel like you don't know how. And I think eating disorders are always the result of severe depression, so the two go hand in hand, often feeding off each other and making the cycle worse and worse. But you still have a choice. The choice to try. The choice to not give in to every evil your eating disorder whispers to you, but to instead tell it to fuck off. The choice to find the beauty in your life instead of only the pain. The choice to turn your determination to hurt yourself into determination to love yourself.


My current (and wonderful 😊) therapist has a great question you can ask yourself while you're thinking on this. "Do you want to do this for the rest of your life?" This type of self-examination can really help put things into perspective. When we're trapped in the depths of an eating disorder or depression, we get wrapped up in only our current pain without even realizing it. But if we can step outside of that and see beyond what we're experiencing right now, we can help ourselves. Try to picture yourself 5, 10, 20 years down the road. I don't know about you, but I always like to picture my future self as happy and past whatever my current problems are, not still struggling with the same bullshit.

Failure, imperfection, "I can't do it", none of these things have a place in recovery. Fuck all of that. Perfection is an illusion, move past that myth. Control is bullshit. You can't control all the shit that happens in your life. You never will. That's the hard truth about life. Learning to to let go of the idea that we can control everything is a huge step to recovery. Controlling your eating will not fix anything in your life. It won't fix your problems with your family. It won't fix your relationships. It won't help you achieve your goals. Eating disorders are not the answer. They are a terrifying obstacle, but you will be so much stronger once you come out on top.

Here's something that really helped me get started. I set a few real life goals for myself. It's good to write them down somewhere you'll see them often. Get your degree, get that job you want, travel, skydive, have a family, whatever it is. And add "happiness" to that list. If you really think about what you want in life, combined with wanting happiness, you'll know I'm right. The eating disorder is holding you back, it will not get you what you want. Don't let it stand in your way. Don't let it destroy you. I know you feel weak, but you're not. I know deep down there is strength in there. We all have it, we just have to find it and use it to rise out of the hell we've created for ourselves.

If you choose life and happiness, then you can recover. If you work hard and stay determined to recover, you will. I think the hardest part is that first step, that choice, that hard decision. That moment, or moments, where you decide, I WANT TO LIVE! I don't want to die. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom first to find it, and sometimes you don't. Everyone's bottom is different. Some suffer most of their lives, others only for a few years, before they find their bottom, their place where they realize what they're doing to themselves. Where the reality hits you hard that if you keep doing what you're doing, you will die. But whether you get close enough to stare death in the face, or just catch a glimpse of it, you'll see your choice, clear as day. Life or death? Will you succumb or will you fight back?

Choose to fight. Choose life. You CAN do it. You CAN recover. Don't let eating disorders claim another beautiful life. You deserve to live.


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Just a couple hours ago, I read a friend's blog post that was for "The Insecure Writer's Support Group." It's a blo...

Insecure Writer's Support Group


Just a couple hours ago, I read a friend's blog post that was for "The Insecure Writer's Support Group." It's a blog link-up (or blog hop) for writers to share their insecurities about writing. As soon as I saw it, I thought, oh my gosh I need to be apart of this! So today I am doing my first post.

The first Wednesday of every month, everyone on the link-up tries to post about their insecurities. There's a new question each time to get you started. Today's question is:
Have you ever surprised yourself with your writing? For example, by trying a new genre you didn't think you'd be comfortable in??
Well I have to say, yes I have definitely surprised myself. And every time I have, it was by doing exactly what the second question implies, by trying something out of my comfort zone.

The first surprise that comes to mind is poetry. From my teen years through college, I used to write poetry regularly. It was part of my eating disorder recovery, so much of what I wrote was about that. Most of it stayed tucked away in a journal, but occasionally I wrote a poem for a class and shared it. I surprised myself the most with one I wrote for a creative writing class I took for fun in college. It was definitely the best I'd ever written. In that class, we would put our writing up on the projector and let every one take turns helping criticize it. It was a tough class that definitely took me way out of my writing comfort zone. I'd never had a group of people pick apart my writing before, but I learned a ton. Poetry was the last assignment of the class, and mine turned out well enough that no one in the class, not even the teacher, had any changes to make. I was amazed and proud of myself. The saddest thing about it though, is that I lost the damn poem! I've searched through all my files many times over the years and never been able to find it. I just don't get how I didn't save a copy of that! Maybe because I never found it, and never thought I could recreate it or top it, or just my general insecurities, but I quit writing poetry regularly. I help Brian with song lyrics on occasion, but that's as close as I get. Guess I'll have to move past this insecurity and give poetry a fair chance again.

The other surprise is this blog. I never thought I'd share my writing with anyone regularly, so the fact that I've continued to do so for over 5 years has surprised me. I think one of my favorite surprises was a post I wrote a couple years ago called Enough. That was when I first started to allow myself to be vulnerable here on my blog. It spawned quite a few more posts since then where I reveal many more of my issues, flaws, and general insecurities with life. If it wasn't for that post and the giant step behind it of breaking out of my comfort zone, I probably would have quit blogging completely.

I'm currently reading a book called "Rising Strong". It's about owning your vulnerabilities and picking yourself up after a fall. I'm not even halfway in and already I'm hooked. It's exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it. And the fact that I came across a writing group about insecurity while reading this book was just too perfect. I'll write more about the book once I finish it, but for now I'll leave you with my favorite quote so far:
"When we own our stories, we avoid being trapped as characters in stories someone else is telling." - Brené Brown in Rising Strong

So dear reader, don't be afraid to pick up your pen or keyboard, and surprise yourself.

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