When I was pregnant, I often had anxiety over the idea of being a mother, because I felt that I wasn't a very "maternal" woman...


When I was pregnant, I often had anxiety over the idea of being a mother, because I felt that I wasn't a very "maternal" woman. Where most women seemed to know just what to do around little kids, I often felt nervous and awkward around most children. This lead me to believe I was going to be a horrible mother. After Sebastian was born I discovered that some things I'd been afraid of were quite easy for me (like breastfeeding, holding a newborn baby without dropping it, changing a really smelly diaper without vomiting, etc.) and other things were as expected. The main one being patience. I'm quite an impatient person and any parent will tell you that patience is probably the number one thing you need with any child. Even a kid as good as Sebastian, I have always found myself getting irritated after endless hours of crappy kid shows (yes they all suck for adults in my opinion) and reading the same stories over and over, and over again. Or how every time I play with Sebastian, he can't not flit around from one thing to another like a humming bird. His attention span is literally about 1-5 minutes, depending on the activity. Whining, crying, fits, screaming, yelling, throwing things, all of these normal baby and toddler behaviors I have absolutely no tolerance for. The good thing that has come from this is that Sebastian does not throw nearly as many fits as the average child his age, and I think that's because neither Brian nor I give-in to his begging and whining. The bad thing is that when we're all having a rough day, I sometimes burst out into an angry yell of my own (yes probably where he gets it).

The other thing I still struggle with is how much time to spend with him. Other moms I know seem to always be go, go, go for their kids and never take a moment to do what they want. They sacrifice exercise, diet, friends, marriage/relationships, etc. in order to do everything and spend every moment with their child. I don't know how they do it. If I don't take time for myself I feel my sanity slowly slipping away. There are a few things I've learned over the years that I cannot live without. The biggest ones being exercise and eating healthy. These are both quite time consuming things, but they are not entirely selfish. At a young age, children want to imitate their parents, so I figure the best way to teach Sebastian a healthy lifestyle is to live it. Same goes with my relationship with Brian. A child learns a lot about relationship from witnessing his/her parents. I figure if we want even the slightest chance at not screwing up our kid forever, then staying happily together is probably the best thing we can do for him. That means spending quality time together alone and plenty of money on dates and vacations. But time and money well spent in my opinion.

There are obviously a plethora of things that I wish I could do better or more of, or more and better. Life often leaves us feeling inadequate, and that's multiplied when you're a parent because you have another life depending on you. But if you look at it that way then you will forever be depressed thinking you didn't do enough. I'd rather be happy, so I'll continue to remind myself that I'm doing my best as a mother and someday Sebastian will appreciate all I did for him. And whenever I need a pick-me-up, all I have to do is watch Sebastian walk through a store or restaurant saying hi to everyone and smiling and laughing his goofy laugh, and see how everyone that gets a good look at his face breaks out into a smile of their own. That's proof right there that we're doing a damn good job with this child.