Friday, December 20, 2013

Surrender

Pretty much everything about having a child requires surrender. It starts with the decision. You decide you want a child and you have to surrender to the fact that you have no control over basically anything after that. You can't control if you'll even conceive. If you do conceive, you can't control how well or horrible your pregnancy will go. And then finally there's the birth.

During my first pregnancy, I anticipated the birth like any first-time mother does I imagine. I figured it would be painful but I'd get through. A c-section never really crossed my mind, especially not while under full anesthesia. But my body had other intentions when I came down with appendicitis at 37 weeks. My experience was less than enjoyable we'll say, and I've honestly had a hard time letting go of that experience. So much so I think it is hindering my ability to go into labor this time. I've been having contractions for a week and a half now, but every time they start to get regular they mysteriously just stop. I have tried all the natural induction methods I've deemed safe, and since nothing has worked, I've come to the realization that maybe it's not a physical problem.

Throughout this pregnancy I've mostly been in denial that I still had not fully recovered emotionally from my last experience. I read lots of articles and books about natural childbirth and there were always sections about letting go of bad experiences so you can enjoy this one. I spent some time working through it but every time I'd have a good cry I'd just assume I was through it and try not to think about it for awhile. But as the due date approached it began to invade my thoughts again. 

So here I sit, at almost 41 weeks pregnant, and all I can think about is waking up after surgery over 4 years ago. When you go to sleep pregnant, and wake up not pregnant, your first thought is "where's my baby?" When the baby is not within sight or hearing distance, panic immediately sets in. I also awoke to experience contractions for the first time, so my panic was increased with the pain and their only response was to dose me up with so much pain killer I was unable to move for the next several hours.

As traumatic as the experience was for me, I honestly thought I was over this years ago. But when they decided to schedule my induction for Sunday, I realized I was not. Having to start off the labor with an intervention makes me feel as if I've already lost the battle to have a natural childbirth, which only adds to my fear of another traumatic birth experience. I realize that no matter what happens this time it won't be as bad as the last. But it still disappointed me.

So now I'm back at that word, surrender. As I learned last time, you cannot plan your birth. I do not have control over everything. I can do my best with the few things I can control, and after that I have no choice but to surrender to the situation. And one of the things I can control is letting go of the past. There's no reason to hold onto it. Yes it happened, but obsessing over it will not change it. Letting go of it is the only way to heal and to help me right now.

During my acupuncture session today, I concentrated on total relaxation. It was in the midst of this meditative state that I realized it was my mind hindering me, not my body. I felt the tension of my past trauma and concentrated on letting it melt away. A strange sense of calm overtook me and has thankfully stayed with me ever since. It is the feeling of surrender. No matter what happens, the only thing on my birth plan this time is to have this baby. That's it. No details about how that's going to happen. No expectations about how I should accomplish that. There's no right or wrong here. Just the simple and absolute truth that this baby will be born. How the birth goes will not change my love for the child. I will love it unconditionally, just like I do Sebastian. I surrender to whatever experience life decides to bring me.

1 comment:

  1. Damn. I'm sorry, I was only joking about the kid staying in! Good luck.

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