Tuesday, July 23, 2013
18 and Married
Friday July 12th Brian and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary, for a total of 12 years together. Some might think that would make one feel old, but in our case, that just makes us feel a little crazy. Yes we got married when I was 18 and Brian was 19.
Looking back now, we of course realize the insanity of getting married at such a young age. But at the time, honestly, we didn't even hesitate and it didn't scare us at all. We were confident teenagers who knew it all and were invincible right? It didn't matter what anyone thought, and it definitely didn't matter that statistics said there was very little chance we'd make it. All that mattered was we were young and in love.
Despite the craziness of what we did, I have absolutely no regrets. Even if it had failed miserably, I still would not regret it because I did what I wanted to do exactly when I wanted to do it. And life is about the experience, not about doing what's socially acceptable at the appropriate times. Fuck appropriate. Life is meant to be lived by your own terms, not anyone elses.
Now if an 18 year old (even my own children someday) came up to me and said they wanted to get married, I would have a few tips if they wanted to hear them. I started to write this list geared towards the younger audience when I realized, they really apply to anyone getting married at any age. So here they are, my 10 things to consider before getting married:
1) DO NOT LIE. Ever
2) Have sex. Lots of it. If you don't like having sex with the person, then you need to talk about it. Don't be embarrassed to tell the other person what you want. No one wants to spend their life without orgasms.
3) Never go to bed angry- finish your disagreement right away. Holding grudges for days and staying angry never solved anything. Once it's done, have make-up sex.
4) Be friends first. You need to be able to be friends, have conversations, have things in common, have fun together. If you can't laugh with the person, you won't last. Your spouse should be your best friend. The person you can tell anything to and always be yourself around. If you are not being yourself around them, then they do not truly know who you are.
5) Do not try to change the person. If you want them to be someone they're not, then you do not love them for who they are. If they want to change, they will do it on their own. You cannot, and should not, try to make them.
6) Make sure you are not just trying to piss off your parents.
7) Make sure you are not just trying to fill some religious obligation you were raised with. Do what you feel is right, not what your family thinks.
8) Have sex first. Sorry I know that offends some religions, but let's face it, you don't want to be married to someone you loathe having sex with. Plus there should be some chemistry between you two. But for heaven's sake, use protection people (every damn time)! It does not matter what time of the month, position, if you're a virgin, or even if your doctor claims you can't get pregnant, you can get pregnant! You might be ready to get married but you sure as hell aren't ready to have a baby.
9) Know that you and the other person will change. Be prepared for this. And for the fact that you or the other person might change so much that your relationship will not last. This isn't a bad thing, not every relationship will last your whole life, but every relationship is still important and there is still much to learn from it.
10) Get rid of your expectations. Don't expect them to live up to some perfect soul mate vision you have. And don't expect to get everything you need from this one person. There are other people in your life for a reason. Keep your friends. You will want and need them.